The 1997 Chevrolet Malibu Had A Feature That Defied The Laws Of Geometry
The 1997 Chevrolet Malibu marked the return of one of the brand’s most storied nameplates, which had been on the shelf since 1983.
It might not have been a return to the nameplate’s 1960s heyday when Malibu was a trim level of the Chevelle, but as a replacement for the Corsica, it was a key part of Chevy’s lineup.
The front-wheel-drive Malibu arrived with a base price of around $16,000 and a 150 hp four-cylinder engine but offered the option of a 155 hp V6.
MotorTrend liked it enough to name it Car of the Year, citing its “big-car comfort and refinement plus a knockout combination of first-class room, safety and structural enhancements, and a dazzling number of standard convenience features.”
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Somehow, it overlooked one of those features in its review, which is shocking because it could bend reality to its will.
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As a young boy outfitted as an era-appropriate “nerd” with oversized glasses, adult-style clothes and an ever-present notebook described to his precocious little sister, Kate, in a commercial for the Malibu, it was equipped with a breakthrough technology.
He took the opportunity of seeing the girl try to put a square peg into a round hole to demonstrate how the car’s “round” rear cupholders — which were somehow hidden within the center console and only to be deployed when necessary — were also precisely designed to accommodate the juice boxes that had become the primary means for beverage consumption among American children by that time.
The feature even garnered its very own section in the Malibu owner’s manual, where owners of the vehicle were instructed to:
“Pull down the door on the rear of the center console to use the rear seat cupholder. You can use it to hold cups OR JUICE BOXES.” [Emphasis ours, but implied by this incredible relevation.]
It’s pretty obvious that Chevrolet had tapped into alien technology that General Motors had gained access to in exchange for its work on the Apollo Lunar Roving Vehicle to design these cupandboxholders.
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What’s less clear is why this innovation was swept under the rug in later years to the point that Chevrolet has now decided to discontinue the Malibu name altogether in what is surely a last-ditch attempt to erase this episode from history.
Or perhaps it’s just taking another 15-year break while the boffins at GM’s Warren Technical Center work through the latest blueprints that have been slipped under the table to it during meetings about the new Lunar Terrain Vehicle it is developing with Lockheed Martin for the Artemis Moon return program.
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